Monthly Archives: September 2012

Headband

Hey Dorigen,

Winona Ryder was just asking me…

… “when is a headband ok?”  As evidenced by the above, I assume she already knows when it’s not.  Ima read, Ima read, Ima read.

Love,

Emily

Emily,

The only time a headband should be worn is to keep your bangs out of your face during exercise.  (And that is pronounced “ex-SER-seize”):

I may be going out on a limb by saying this, but headbands are not now, nor have they ever been, an acceptable fashion accessory.  Even as a child I was anti-headband.  It may be because I have an oddly shaped head and wore huge plastic-framed glasses, making the 80s version of the headband impractical and somewhat painful.  I was really irritated with Olivia Newton John for giving the cross-forehead headband a fashion moment. 

Meanwhile, OMG, I just watched the video for Physical.  There is a LOT of inappropriate man flesh in there!

At any rate, with a glasses frame going a full inch and a half above my natural eyebrow, there was no way the Olivia Newton John was going to be feasible.  And unfortunately, in 1984, there was no Kim Kardashian to show me how to appropriately adjust my headband to accomodate multiple accessories at once.  Behold the brilliance.  Place headband AT the hairline!

Nope, it still looks stupid.  The 50s style over-the-head headband never worked for me either.  The plastic u-shaped Goody-brand ones from the drugstore pinched my enormous head and also interfered with my glasses, and there’s no way to wear a stretchy “flex-comb” style without looking like a complete asshole.

Actually the over-the-head headband doesn’t really work even if you have a normal-sized head.  It comes off as twee and costumy.  Ask Emmy Rossum:

I don’t know, though. Maybe I’m just biased.  Headbands do seem like they could come in handy when you didn’t have time to wash your hair or have an out-of-control cowlick, but I think it’s safer to just leave them alone altogether.

Dorigen

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Elizabeth Taylor

Emily,

As you may know, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a Liz Taylor biopic to be aired on Lifetime.  It looks terrible.  Why do people care about Elizabeth Taylor?  Why do people care about Linsay Lohan?  Why is the styling of this film so bad?  So many questions.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Before I prattle on about the perfect abomination that is Lohan-Taylor, I will first offer a suggested song to listen to while reading my response:

This song is suggested for 3 reasons:

1)      There is a brief mention of Elizabeth Taylor.

2)      Gary Newman is my spirit animal; I’m just sayin’.  

3)      Also, I foresee no future opportunity to share my (yes, brilliant) idea of a re-staging of this song, involving siren calls and the surrounding of a cyclopean statue of Cthulhu.

“I’m in love with a sailor, a sailor who’s in love with the sea,” indeed.

Back on topic, seeing your provided image of Lindsay But-I-Lost-My-Passport Lohan, dressed in a $12.07 Elizabeth Taylor Halloween costume, I am reminded of the insult that was once Aniston / Streisand: 

Whoever thought of this “artful” moment should have been fired halfway through the first pitch sentence.  Unless, of course, it was Streisand herself, who has the personal right to see a painted cliché of her former self, as interpreted by some girl from “Friends,” if she wants to.  No wait, even Streisand should have been fired.  

However, whoever thought of casting Lohan as Taylor in a made for TV film about her relationship with Dick, should be sent fan mail. 

FAN MAIL, I say!  Made for TV anything, has a special set of rules, known as nonsense.  May I remind the U. S. of A., that we collectively accepted and participated in the Drew Barrymore / Alyssa Milano / some legitimate third actress’ simultaneous telecasts of the Amy Fisher story?  

Bad ideas are what make TV Land so endearing, so embarrassing, so terribly wonderful.  Lindsay Lohan’s involvement in “Liz & Dick” could only be out shined by her involvement in an imagined all female cast version of “Moby Dick” for the Lifetime Network.  Fingers crossed for 2013.

I cannot wait to see this Elizabeth Taylor nonsense.  Will they cake makeup over Lohan’s freckles?  Will the purple contacts be neon?  Will Lohan’s years of drinking actually make her look older than John Michael Higgins, who is 23 years her senior?  Will we be able to catch a glimpse of a do-rag under an obvious wig?  Will there be an appearance of Emmanuel Lewis as a young Michael Jackson?  

If this movie is to be any kind of success, the answer to all of these questions needs to be “yes, of course.”

Love, 

Emily

P. S. To learn more about the Chthulu references you have seen here today, visit your local library, and then follow the scent of pimple cream.  I will be the one in the cape.